im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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