U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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