but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
