is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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