when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
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