PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
