i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
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