dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
