So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
