Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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