if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
