i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
