yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
