I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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