Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
