she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize