Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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