oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
