I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
