I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Randomize
