A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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