seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
