i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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