And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
