I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
