I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
