I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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