No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
