It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
