i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
