omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
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