The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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