Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
