My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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