He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
