Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
