im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
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