Don't you send me to vm
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
