Tell her she can't have a vagina
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us