just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!