seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
