your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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