So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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