I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
