Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
People with herpes should wear stickers.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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