I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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