Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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