There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
