I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
