i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Sober January is a disaster.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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