I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize