I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
