i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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