I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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