We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
