somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
