Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
