I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
